Grieving the Loss of Someone who is Living

Missing you is similar to the undecidedness of the changing of seasons. Missing you is the irritation of the blankets sealing too much heat, and without them it is indeed freezing. Missing you is the absolute and utter confusion of me still caring for you even though I probably shouldn’t.

A wasp’s sting hurts less than the little reminders of you. That trap song that we both loved, when I’d order a bubblegum milkshake and a slice of carrot cake at my favourite tea garden, basically every time I drink a cup of tea, and now with the thunderstorms are in full swing, I hope you’re coping with the lightning. I also hope you think about me when the thunder roars. These little aides-mémoires sting because soon after the memory of how I lost you; how I lost my best friend follows.

We are fixed in our ways; self-centered, stubborn and too full of pride sometimes. We liked the fact that our demons were the same, now I think it doesn’t work in our favour. Not that I blame you for working as hard as you did, your passion was a quality to be admired, but you cannot assume that everybody will stick around when effort is not equally contributed. Sometimes I query the level of the friendship we had.

Would you invest in an entity for five years that had no guarantee of returns?

It was wrong of me to expect you to reciprocate what I would do for you; I saw you in a different light, my fantasies got in the way of reality.

Missing you entails feeling guilty from time to time; I used to be your rock when the weight of the world was on your shoulders. Whenever I knew something was wrong, I’d check up on you and try my best to help you through the turmoil. I feel guilty when I don’t check up on you now when I know your world is spinning. I still care for your well-being. The countless times of how I type a message then delete it. I hope you understand of why I can’t bring myself to press Send.

Missing you is questioning why I play the snippets of happiness in the back of my mind, the giggles, the support you gave me, the confiding, the trust we had in one another stronger than tungsten carbide at a point. We were just emotionally unequipped for what this year had brought upon us. We both have said and done things; I personally wouldn’t mind the opportunity to do some things differently. I have to live with the consequences of my decisions; I hope you find peace in living with yours.

Missing a confused person when you’re indeed a confused person as well is confusing in itself. But I remember not being confused when you were around. I recall you said something similar to me a year ago.

Somehow missing you is a dance between letting you go and holding on tightly. Missing you is being entirely agitated with everything because the feeling of absence is consuming. But missing you is missing the person you were and not the person who pushed me away. I still have more faith in that person than the Sun coming up tomorrow – he just needs space and time.

 

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2 thoughts on “Grieving the Loss of Someone who is Living

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  1. People talk about couples breaking up so easily. There’s always advice on how to get over it and how to move on.. but crumbling friendships are ignored, even though they can arguably have a much bigger emotional effect!

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    1. I’m so glad you agree on the need for aweness on this topic. People often don’t realise how intimate friendships can be, more so than relationships because we are less likely to be guarded in friendships. It is definitely easier to trust a friend than a lover and I’ve always believed that you may not always trust the person you love, but you will always love the person you trust.

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