I started my tertiary education in February this year and trust me when I say I am having the time of my life! I’m finally socialising with people who I connect with and surprisingly understand on a deeper level, but I am still quite stunned of how these people open up to me. I sometimes feel guilty because as they are telling their stories to me, the only thing I manage to response is, “I understand completely.” Rather than sharing my own thoughts and memories. Is telling a person that I like cheese burgers emotionally confiding?
1. I have moved around a lot. I’ve lived in four countries, I recently moved back to my birth country a little less than two years ago, which makes it a tally of six schools of people I have come across. I am conversant to the idea of leaving a place after at least four years (hell, I’m even planning moving to the United Kingdom after I graduate my degree at college!) I’m prepared for people to come into my life and leave because it has always been that way, if they stay; I end up packing my bags. I know how it is seen as normal for people to pour their hearts to partners they love (romantically and platonically) and that partner leaves due to incompatibility or complication or whatever reason under the sun and then they start all over again, but I don’t like the idea of too many people knowing my secrets. The feeling of too many people knowing too much about me quite honestly scares me. Privacy has always been a virtue to me and frankly we live in a world where people talk about others to make themselves feel better.
2. You get classified in an instant at college. I am known as the “goodie-two-shoes-sweet-innocent” person. Funny enough, people have depicted me as that my entire livelihood, and to be honest I’m seventy percent of that, because I have had a happy life with people that love me and such, I am grateful for the life I have received. But like everyone else, physically disabled people with mental awareness have double-standards – just in a different way.
For me, personally, I am not capable of just letting go and admitting to the entire world that I have breakdowns. I wouldn’t call it pity but people defiantly feel more sympathetic for impaired people across the spectrum than they would for a completely non-impaired person going through a difficult time. To be completely honest, I don’t know why but I hate to sadden people with my problems, needless to say my issues can get immensely dark and deep for the light-hearted. I would rather comfort people because then it feels like helping and putting meaning into my life instead of what feels like complaining and burdening people with my problems. I like to make people happy; because I know how hard life can get. If me smiling can get people to realise they can do it too, I will keep on smiling. I’m terrified when people find out that I’m not this “puppies and rainbows” person all the way, they would change their feelings for me or perspective of me. So I would rather not risk any sympathy (because I seriously do not wish to have it) from people that will not permanently be in life. My mind is open, my heart is just closed.