The Sun is Inhaling its Last Breath

Well, hopefully not know anyway, but eventually…

In terms of probability, if an occurrence is constant, then the chances of that occurrence not happening are next to none. But should we take that for granted?

It’s the little things: your mother’s homemade meals… love… freedom. Little things – which we just expect them to be a total given, thus we start to lose the gratitude we should have for them. And frankly, it’s one of those situations where you do not know what you have until it is gone. Do not be defensive by stating that you did know, you just did not think it would go – anything can slip through your fingers.

I started complaining about an irritating dull pain in my left wrist nine months after on the go with crutches. I came up with a hypothesis that because of the holidays, my hands were trying to get accustomed to the crutches again. The discomfort never subsided. Two months later, we initiated an appointment to go consult with a specialist. He seemed calm and he was almost assured nothing tragic had surfaced, but just for peace of mind, x-rays were required.

Later when the process of performing x-rays was done, which I have to confess, is still fun to do. My hand specialist analyzed the photographs; he suspiciously spent a lot of time to say an anticipated, ‘All is well’ response. I broke the silence by drawing out an “and?” He glanced at me and replied, “Not good.” Worry and scare awakened my temperament.

Kienbock’s disease: (in easy explaining terms) when one’s eight wrist bones are crumbling due to blood deprivation, mostly caused by masses amount of pressure. It is a rare diagnosis considering only 250 000 people have it in the United States and Western Europe alone.

I still had to have an MRI completed which concluded that my diagnosis was Stage Four – Stage Five would have been Arthritis and the total loss of usage in my left hand.
The next step entailed: an operation to cut 6mm off my radius in addition placing a metal brace to allow blood to flow more sinuously around my wrist. One condition: – no force, weight, pressure or strain on my wrist for six to eight weeks until the radius fused back to one bone.

I freaked out an anxiety attack after another, after another, after another. How the hell was I going to be mobile when I rely heavily on crutches? My family and I thought of ways for me to be mobile without depending on my left hand. We did trial runs with one crutch a couple of times, I just couldn’t adapt in time. I had to accept that the fear of my last resort was my only option left – a wheelchair.

The operation went smoothly, no complications, no hiccups or ill happenings, I was very lucky in that regard. The only disconcerting memory I have on that day was when I met my anaesthetist, “Right, I am going to give you what Michael Jackson liked.” Was that line supposed to make me feel at ease or something? I’m almost certain that there is a “100 Doctor Jokes” book published that you could read sometime.

I felt like throwing up on the first day of school. I was too nervous for my own health, and even though I wore a smile on my face, I felt ashamed. I had told people the night before what exactly came about on social media, many were supportive, and others didn’t quite believe the circumstances. The teacher and staff knew, they wished me a fast recovery and assisted me and my helper by constructing ramps to make mobility stress-free. While some teachers actually read their emails, some of the teachers assumed I had just given up on walking.

Friendship is, I fear, something that can be very easily taken for granted. The sad part is friends who are extremely loyal do not mind if they are taken for granted at some points. During my lowest moments I encircled myself with the ones I love dearest and they have no idea how they saved me – rather – from my pessimistic mind set. They were (and still are) truly the best friends I could ever ask for. I am sincerely grateful for their friendship.

All I am trying to put forward is: do not take anything for granted. No matter how small or large the gesture is. How frequent it comes in your life, may it be everyday or once in a blue moon – that has no significance. What you have, someone somewhere is coveting they could own so desperately. Nothing is certain, everything can change and that is out of your control. Just appreciate everything whilst it lasts. I do believe that true happiness starts with being thankful for everything, good and bad, that you receive in life.

And if you do not believe me when I say nothing is certain – tomorrow morning when you wake up, look outside your window. Look at the Sun that we circle every year. That Sun, our only Sun, is a star and all stars burn out…

IMG_20141019_005497
Before and after x-ray images
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